✈️ Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 92
Crappy situation; CFB Week 1; Saudi Arabia is scary
Happy Tuesday*, y’all!
Unless you’re a wet blanket, you indulge in sweets. You may overindulge in sweets, and there’s no judgment on my end if you do overindulge because that is what we call hypocritical. However, there is judgment on my end if you satisfy your sweet tooth with only vanilla ice cream. No sprinkles. No chocolate syrup (or other syrup). No nothing, except for vanilla ice cream? Go ahead and forgo flying to your next destination because you might just be put on a watchlist.
Anyway, RIP to the legend, Jimmy Buffett. Gone far too soon.
*Until after the NFL regular season, I’ll be publishing on Tuesdays. Reasons why: (1) I want to make sure the newsletter includes a recap of Monday Night Football (if the game gets the people going); (2) I am traveling a fair amount this fall and am also publishing Monday afternoon on Cheesehead TV throughout the season, so I’m not trying to get carpal tunnel on Sunday because there’s no way that cures the Sunday Scaries; (3) I want to make sure each volume contains as much great content as possible, without it feeling rushed.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Delta flight forced into emergency landing by passenger’s diarrhea: ‘This is a biohazard’
There’s shitting the bed, and then there’s having diarrhea on a transatlantic flight that causes the plane to have an emergency landing because the diarrhea was considered a biohazard, and feces were dribbling out on the aisle. You do you, but I would rather shit the bed. One is slightly embarrassing for a short period of time; the other leaves you with guilt and embarrassment for, perhaps, an entire lifetime. It wouldn’t be that crazy for that person, who has yet to be identified, to get a bushel of diapers and wipes for Christmas (or St. Nick) this year. You can’t come back for that.
The plane eventually made its way to its final destination, Barcelona, but still a shitty situation.
What did the poor person in? Too much coffee has gotta be near the top of the list, followed by a combo of nicotine and coffee or maybe some preexisting condition. Either way, hopefully, poop boy (or girl) is A-OK.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 1
Week 0 was barely an appetizer, but thankfully Week 1 delivered a big ole juicy steak and a strong, good-tasting alcoholic beverage.
COLORADO and head coach Deion Sanders stole the show (let’s forget what I wrote last week) as the Buffs did the smokin’ in Fort Worth, toppling TCU 45-42. Deion’s kiddo, Shedeur, completed 38-of-47 passes for 510 yards and 4 touchdowns, and Travis Hunter played over 100 combined snaps at wide receiver and cornerback. Hunter caught 11 passes for 119 yards and was perhaps even better on the defensive side of the ball, finishing with one interception and three pass breakups. In short, buddy boy, the former No. 1 recruit in his class, balled out. Some TCU frat boys were chirping at him before the game and shouted for the Horned Frogs to pass his way in the red zone. Hunter responded with an INT. Classic case of frat boys being dumb-dumbs.
Deion’s alma mater, FLORIDA STATE, played tiddlywinks with LSU early on and then whipped the Tigers’ bare ass with a belt en route to a dominating 45-24 victory. WR Keon Coleman transferred from '“Can’t Read, Can’t Write” (Michigan State) to Florida State during the offseason, but Coleman read LSU’s secondary like a high-level college professor as he caught nine passes for 122 yards and three touchdowns.
Take away generational quarterbacks and can’t-miss wide receivers from Dabo Swinney and Clemson, and what do you get? Hot trash. DUKE pulled off the upset and pulled the Tigers’ pants down Monday night, the Blue Devils’ first win over a top-10 opponent since 1989, when they also beat Clemson according to ACC Network’s Taylor Tannenbaum. That season also marked the last time the Blue Devils won a share of the conference title.
Head coach Mac Brown and his NORTH CAROLINA Tar Heels smacked South Carolina in the mouth, 31-17, by swarming quarterback Spencer Rattler to the tune of nine sacks. And if that wasn’t enough, Brown choked (?!) Shane Beamer after the game. I’m surprised Beamer didn’t put Brown in a nursing home and deny him a warm glass of milk before an afternoon snooze.
Does WISCONSIN, a 38-17 winner over Buffalo, need to play better in order to legitimately compete for a Big Ten title? Yes.
The Baylor Bears, two seasons removed from winning the Big 12, played with their food for a little bit too much against TEXAS STATE, dropping the Week 1 contest 42-31. Baylor was a four-touchdown favorite.
In what is likely to be their last season, the Pac-12 went undefeated in Week 1. They are the only conference to start 13-0 in the last 40 years. Because of course.
WEEK 2 CFB GAMES TO WATCH
Notre Dame at NC State (11:00 am CST, ABC)
Ole Miss at Tulane (2:30 pm CST, ESPN2)
Texas A&M at Miami (2:30 pm CST, ABC)
Iowa at Iowa State (2:30 pm CST, FOX)
Texas at Alabama (6:00 pm CST, ESPN)
Wisconsin at Washington State (6:30 pm CST, ABC)
THE ALL-COAST CONFERENCE
SMU, Cal, and Stanford will join the ACC in 2024. For some odd reason, ESPN did not credit Tubz Unfiltered regarding the first news of SMU joining the conference. Huh.
Cal, Stanford and SMU will come at a significant discount, which will help create a revenue pool to be shared among ACC members. SMU is expected to come in for nine years with no broadcast media revenue, sources told ESPN, and Cal and Stanford will each start out receiving just a 30% share of ACC payouts.
WHITE SOX SHOOTING
Being fat evidently has its perks when you want to do hood rat things with your friends at sporting events. Until you shoot yourself. At that point, you’re no longer cool; you are — flat-out — fat and in the hospital with, ironically enough, a fat hospital bill because you accidentally shot yourself.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund has its fingerprints on several sports across the globe. The professional athletes who play for teams (or leagues) owned by the PIF in some way, shape, or form maaaaayyyy want to be a bit careful on social media when it comes to criticizing Saudi Arabia. Sadly, a Saudi citizen was sentenced to death for “retweeting posts critical of Mohamed bin Salman.”
On July 10, 2023, the Specialized Criminal Court, Saudi Arabia’s counterterrorism tribunal, convicted Muhammad al-Ghamdi, 54, a retired Saudi teacher, of several criminal offenses related solely to his peaceful expression online. The court sentenced him to death, using his tweets, retweets, and YouTube activity as the evidence against him.
Saudi interrogators questioned him about tweets and political opinions and asked his opinions about individuals imprisoned for exercising their right to free expression. Al-Ghamdi did not have a lawyer for nearly a year and once he finally did obtain legal representation, he was only able to speak with the lawyer immediately in advance of court sessions.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz