🍅 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 93
Ashton Kutcher + Mila Kunis = yikes; Football Recap; Rotten Tomatoes is a scam?
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Have you ever noticed how humbling it is when someone goes on a run with a dog? The person running may be going at a pretty solid pace, and yet that doggo is casually strolling along, looking for a nearby stick and probably barely breaking a sweat.
Mind you, I witnessed the aforementioned several times recently while I was walking, so it might be a bit rich on my part to make such an observation because of the activity I was doing. Then again, my joints will likely be intact (actually unlikely, but whatever) when I’m 50+, so who’s the real winner?
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis Address Backlash to Danny Masterson Letters
What a gotdamn mess. Danny Masterson, known as Steven Hyde from That 70’s Show, is going to prison for 30 years to life (not long enough, frankly) after being found guilty of two rape counts. Masterson was a Scientology nutjob and used his power within that community to commit heinous acts.
Kutcher and Kunis, obviously part of the cast with Masterson, wrote letters to the judge in an attempt to — let’s be frank here — sway the judge in his sentencing of Masterson, an individual who committed two rapes.
Kutcher refers to Masterson as a “role model” and “extraordinarily honest,” adding, “he is among few people that I would trust to be alone with my son and daughter,” whom he shares with Kunis. Kunis’s letter notes Masterson’s “exceptional character” and “tremendous positive influence” on her.
Is this a new episode of Punk’d? Like, what the hell? Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night and therefore am not as mentally sharp as I should be, but you HAVE to publicly cut all ties with someone that is awaiting sentencing for two rapes. If it’s a family member, that may be different, but the three individuals involved in this saga are not related. A preposterous move by the couple.
My thoughts and prayers are with the victims — individuals that Kutcher and Kunis couldn’t care less about, evidently.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
RETURN OF THE NFL
The greatest sport in the world returned to action over the weekend. Some people engage with drugs or porn or [insert anything that is bad for you but gives ya a helluva dopamine rush], but my drug of choice is seven hours of commercial-free football. What a glorious sight that was to take in, unless you’re a fan of the Chicago Bears.
Your team sucks — as does your quarterback, a player that was pegged as a franchise savior. He ain’t saving that franchise from shit. Altogether, the GREEN BAY PACKERS still own the Chicago Bears, a tale as old as time. (You can read my takeaways from that game here.)
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Fans of the NEW YORK JETS woke up Monday morning, ahead of the team’s MNF matchup with the Buffalo Bills, with the same glee and excitement that a child has on Christmas morning while they still believe in Santa. Well, Jets fans found out that Santa was not real and were crushed as a result when Aaron Rodgers was sacked on the team’s first offensive drive OF THE SEASON and snapped his Achilles in half, ending his season and possibly his career. Before he even completed a pass for the cursed franchise. On 9/11 of all days.
Glass half-full, though, at least the Jets won the game on a walk-off punt return. They won the battle, but they will surely lose the war.
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Other takeaways from NFL Week 1:
DALLAS COWBOYS 40 New York Giants ZERO: The Cowboys absolutely pulverized the G-Men on Sunday Night Football. I’m actually understating it. Their defense and special teams scored two touchdowns. Plus, Micah Parsons & Co. had seven sacks, two INTs, five forced fumbles, and a pressure rate of 62.2%. That was “the 4th-highest pressure rate in a game since 2019,” according to Next Gen Stats. Plus …
Is this the season that Fat Mike & Co. finally get past the divisional round and advance to the conference championship game since the 1995 season? We’ll see, but they’re trending in the right direction to start the season.
DETROIT LIONS 21 Kansas City Chiefs 20: Chiefs WR Kadarius Toney might have bet the Lions ML based on his abysmal performance catching footballs, something he is literally paid to do. NBC play-by-play announcer Mike Tirico said the Lions’ victory should have an asterisk because KC was without two of its best players, but Tirico defintely gets out of breath after walking up one (1) flight of stairs, so it’s tough to take him seriously.
MIAMI DOLPHINS 36 LA Chargers 34: Tua was a magician on Sunday afternoon as he passed for 466 yards and three touchdowns (one INT). He was aided by the play of the fastest man alive, Tyreek Hill, who registered 11 catches for 215 yards and two touchdowns. Why the Chargers continually employed single coverage against Hill was baffling.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 20 Minnesota Vikings 17: The Vikings got beat by Baker Mayfield. Allow me to repeat myself. The Vikings got beat by Baker Mayfield. That was as refreshing as sipping water from the bubbler as a grade school kid after going the eff off in recess football.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 30 Pittsburgh Steelers 7: The Niners looked real good. Steelers QB Kenny Pickett looked real bad (68.4 passer rating).
COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 2
TEXAS 34 Alabama 24: Texas is back. That’s the recap from this game. Texas is back, and its schedule is set up in a way that makes a College Football Playoff appearance for the Longhorns a very real, distinct possibility.
COLORADO 36 Nebraska 14: Deion has his boys, and the nation, buzzin’ like a gotdamn bee. 8.73 million people watched the game on FOX, making it “the best Pac-12 regular season game ever on FOX; the 10th most-watched regular season CFB game ever on FOX; and FOX Sports’ second most-streamed CFB game in history,” according to FOX Sports PR. The Buffs weren’t sharp in the opening half and still won by three scores. Deion’s son, Shedeur, finished the day with 393 yards through the air (31-of-42) and two touchdowns.
WASHINGTON STATE 31 Wisconsin 22: Can I talk out of both sides of my mouth real quick? Thank you. I never blame officials for a loss, but it is difficult to beat an opponent — here, the Cougs — AND the clowns in stripes. With that out of the way, UW’s defense has gotta clean some things up in a major way.
MICHIGAN STATE FOOTBALL HC MEL TUCKER WAS HORNY, AND IT WILL LIKELY COST HIM
In the fall of 2021, Tucker signed a 10-year, $95-million deal. Two years later and with approximately $80 million remaining on the contract, that swimming pool of cash is in serious jeopardy of being drained.1
He has been accused by Brenda Tracy — the most prominent college athletics sexual assault activist and someone who previously had a business relationship with the MSU football team — of “making sexual comments and masturbating without her consent during a phone call in April 2022.”
The university suspended Tucker without pay Sunday until the Title IX case is resolved. The hearing will take place on October 5 and 6, during the Spartans’ bye week.
In an absolutely scorched-earth statement released on Monday, Tucker wrote, in part, that the allegations “are completely false” and the “proceedings initiated … are devoid of any semblance of fairness for any matter of this importance.” He added, “I can only conclude that there is an ulterior motive designed to terminate my contract based on some other factor such as a desire to avoid any [Larry] Nasser taint, or my race or gender.”
You can read about everything that allegedly took place here and here.
Prediction: This past Saturday’s game against Richmond will turn out to be Tucker’s last game as the Spartans head coach. There is no way he can come back from this.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
The Decomposition of Rotten Tomatoes
Call me a critic, pun intended, but Rotten Tomatoes may not be nearly as indicative of how good a movie or TV show actually is. For example, even though Rotten Tomatoes “prohibits ‘reviewing based on a financial incentive,’” one PR firm essentially paid movie critics to write positive reviews about a film that the firm was tasked with promoting. Whoops!
Some of the other shortcomings:
Scores are calculated by classifying each review as either positive or negative and then dividing the number of positives by the total. That’s the whole formula. Every review carries the same weight whether it runs in a major newspaper or a Substack with a dozen subscribers.
Another problem — and where the trickery often begins — is that Rotten Tomatoes scores are posted after a movie receives only a handful of reviews, sometimes as few as five, even if those reviews may be an unrepresentative sample.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Tucker’s employment contract states that if he is fired without cause (e.g., a bad record for one or more seasons), whatever money remains on the deal is paid in full. However, he can be fired for cause if Tucker “engages in any conduct which constitutes moral turpitude or which, in the university’s sole judgment, would tend to bring public disrespect, contempt or ridicule upon the university.” In the event of a for-cause firing, he is not owed any additional money. A potential monumental bag-fumbling by Tucker.
As a Bears fan it's hard to argue with what you wrote. Their coaching staff was absolutely pantsed in the first game of the season against their rival. Terrible look. The coached scared the entire game and didn't make adjustments (or the absolutely wrong ones) at half time.