Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 94
Congresswoman gets horny on first date; Football Recap + Coach Prime; Do you trust the science?
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
The entire point of this newsletter is to make y’all chuckle, maybe even laugh (or heck, cackle) from time to time. I try my very best to do that week-in and week-out and that will not change as long as I do this. However, I want to take this rare opportunity to present y’all with a little motivation, courtesy of The Daily Coach:
“You spend the most time with yourself. It’s important your inner dialogue is positive and encouraging.”
“You create your own heaven or hell.”
“Become your own best friend. Few people go out of their way to give themselves rewards and treats, so be generous with yourself.”
Now, let’s break bread.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Lauren Boebert says she ditched the 'Democrat' filmed fondling her at 'Beetlejuice': 'I learned to check party affiliations before going on a date'
A lot to unpack here.
Lauren Boebert, a Colorado congresswoman, went on a date with some random dude. They went to “Beetlejuice,” a musical. Interesting choice for a first date as there are not a lot of opportunities to get to know each other while watching a musical, but hey, different strokes for different folks.
Speaking of strokes in a roundabout way, Boebert appeared to firmly grasp her date’s genitals (over the pants), and the dude grabbed Boebert’s breast(s). While consensual, those are two wild moves to pull on a first date. Where was “Swiper No Swiping” when ya needed him?
Boebert was also caught huffing her vape pen like a complete savage.
It is important to point out that everything was caught on film by security footage. Boebert originally denied what took place during an appearance on Fox News, but the tape don’t lie, Ms. Lauren! So, yeah, no surprise there won’t be a second date, but if Mr. Horn Dog was a Republican, would there have been a second date? Would there have been a second date if the security footage never saw the light of day? The world will never know (nor would they ever care).
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 3 RECAP
MISSOURI 30 Kansas State 27: Did I watch the entire game? Not a chance in hell, but I watched what mattered so here we go. Missouri completed a pass to KSU’s 38-yard line, and Mizzou QB Brady Cook spiked the ball with around 30 seconds left. Standard. But then the Tigers’ coaching staff had a massive brain fart and got sidetracked worse than when someone has a wee bit too much caffeine and Adderall on little sleep. That cost them five yards due to a delay of game penalty. Cook tried to complete a pass to make up the lost yardage, but it fell incomplete.
Thicc boy kicker Harrison Mevis, who has never passed on having an extra biscuit at Chik-Fil-a or Popeyes, strutted onto the field for a 61-yard field goal. Right down Broadway for the win, the longest field goal in SEC history. In real-time, I said to myself before the kick, “What the hell are they doing?” That is why I’m sitting on the couch writing a newsletter, and not making millions of dollars coaching college football, but I digress.
COLORADO 43 Colorado State 35: The buzz for Colorado and head coach Deion Sanders keeps growing, ladies and gentlemen, as the Buffs erased a 28-17 deficit and beat Colorado State in double overtime to start the season 3-0.
Even though the game started at 9 PM CST, 9.3 million people tuned in, making it ESPN’s “most-watched late prime game on record” and ESPN’s “fifth most-watched college football on record.” It peaked at 11.1 million viewers. Bananas.
Lil Wayne led the team out of the tunnel, and the Rock, Offset, Master P, and Kawhi Leonard, among others, were seen at the game. In other words, Hollywood relocated to Boulder for the weekend.
The downside to the victory: two-way superstar Travis Hunter was hurt (lacerated liver, yikes) as a result of a dirty hit by Colorado State player Henry Blackburn, who was torched for the game-winning score in quite the karmic twist. Hunter will reportedly miss three weeks.
With that aside, Colorado has taken the sport by storm, and I’m here for it. Prime Time partnered with Blenders to sell “Prime 21” sunglasses, and people are buying them in waves. According to Front Office Sports, the company sold between 67k and 72k pre-orders as of Monday. The sunglasses are $67, an ode to Sanders’ birth year. That’s a whole lotta dough. It probably helped that CSU head coach Jay Norvell took a shot at Sanders leading up to the game for wearing sunglasses (and a hat) indoors.
Colorado has also sold out its ticket allotment for every home game for the first time in team history. The program is celebrating its 100th season.
As Antonio Brown once said before he contracted CTE (allegedly), Business is Boomin’ … in Boulder.
The Buffs are three-score underdogs for their upcoming game against Oregon, but respectfully, if you aren’t on the Colorado bandwagon at this point, you have a big dump in your pants.
NFL WEEK 2 RECAP
I didn’t watch any full NFL games this week other than the two below because I was preoccupied on Sunday, but I’ll be better next week.
FALCONS 25 Packers 24: You can check out my takeaways from this game here. Joe Barry and the Packers’ defense as a whole makes me want to pull out what little hair I have remaining.
STEELERS 26 Browns 22. To start the second quarter, Browns RB Nick Chubb and Steelers safety Minkah Fitzpatrick collided. Fitzpatrick appeared to be shaken up. Not to minimize his injury, it paled in comparison to what happened to Chubb. ESPN did not show the replay on the broadcast, but the replay was shown inside the stadium. Fans audibly gasped. Chubb was carted off the field and immediately ruled out. Turns out, Chubb’s leg legitimately bent in half, so he’s out for the season and his career is in jeopardy.1
Adam Schefter has one of, if not the, biggest audiences in the entire sports industry. And yet, he tweeted out the below, showing us all why he is truly a one-of-a-kind journalist. Shades of this.
Anyway, Deshaun Watson sucked it up yet again (70.3 passer rating) because he’s a sicko and a scumbag, and the Steelers had -7 offensive yards in the fourth quarter, but still won thanks to a scoop-and-score by TJ Watt in the fourth quarter.
BYE-BYE, MEL TUCKER
I wrote about this situation in last week’s Volume, so here’s the update: Michigan State is firing its head football coach, Mel Tucker, for cause, which signifies that the university does not intend to pay out the remainder of his contract. There is more than $79 million remaining, according to ESPN.
The football team had a saying, “Tuck Is Comin’.” He sure did, in the worst way possible, and it cost him his job. An all-time fumbling of the bag by Tucker. Remind me to induct him into the second installment of Tubz Unfiltered’s Dumb-Dumb Hall of Fame.
MIKE BABCOCK, WEIRDO
Babcock, the head coach of the Columbus Blue Jackets, would bring players in for individual meetings and ask to see their phones, only to AirPlay their pictures on a projector. This psycho move was first spoken of publicly on Barstool Sports’ Spittin Chiclets podcast by co-host Paul Bissonnette.
Babcock and captain Boone Jenner denied the report, saying it was just a way of the new coach getting to know players.
After an investigation, the Blue Jackets relieved Babcock of his coaching duties.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
FDA panel says common over-the-counter decongestant doesn’t work
And I’m supposed to trust the science, eh?
A key ingredient in many over-the-counter cold and allergy medications called phenylephrine doesn’t work to get rid of nasal congestion, a Food and Drug Administration advisory panel concluded Tuesday.
The unanimous vote, which specifically declared oral formulations of phenylephrine ineffective, is expected to disrupt the market for OTC cold and allergy remedies, where consumers largely prefer pills over nasal sprays.
Phenylephrine — found in drugs including Sudafed PE, Vicks Nyquil Sinex Nighttime Sinus Relief and Benadryl Allergy Plus Congestion — is the most popular oral decongestant in the United States, generating almost $1.8 billion in sales last year, according to data presented Monday by FDA officials.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz