🗒️ Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 98

A treat: Random Thoughts

Happy Tuesday, y’all!

And hello from Charlotte, North Carolina, where I am spending the week with my sister. We are doing a pilates class, so I’ll finally be able to experience what prison feels like. Speaking of prison, I may be headed to the slammer if Messi does not play in the soccer game we are going to on Saturday night between Messi’s squad, Inter Miami FC, and Charlotte FC.¹

Here’s the deal for this week’s Volume. I was in South Carolina over the weekend for my mother’s 60th birthday, meaning I was not glued to the couch watching games in full like usual nor was I doing much prep for this week’s newsletter in the days leading up to the weekend because I was preoccupied with other activities and focused on getting geared up for the trip.

Thus, this week’s Volume will be random thoughts. Despite what some may think, curating this newsletter requires a fair amount of work in terms of perusing social media for stories and finding somewhat of a funny slant as well as watching sporting events in their entirety. I hate cherry-picking box scores and providing analysis solely on numbers therein. I am not a nerd in that sense, for no other reason than nerds aren’t funny.

Nerds are people who get stuffed in lockers during middle school and high school and then go on to make way more money than many, all the while securing a gorgeous female who may or may not have some self-esteem issues but the nerd doesn’t care because he is finally getting laid and can seem cool at his high school reunion. Now, not every nerd’s life plays out this way. A male nerd may get with a female nerd whom society does not deem gorgeous, they make whoopie and end up with nerd babies, and the cycle continues. Alternatively, the nerd could end up single for life and play with computers on the weekend for fun with a pair of glasses that were bought 10+ years ago from Sears. Hey, different strokes for different folks.

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Let me preface this by acknowledging I truly do not give a sh*t about what other people do, especially with their money. But as I have grown older, which seems to be accelerating nowadays, I would much rather spend my money on experiences, rather than material things. Those items will undergo wear and tear over the years and therefore come and go, but experiences last a lifetime. My thought process is as follows (albeit a bit morbid, so apologies in advance): They won’t have any of my material things at my funeral; they will likely have pictures of different experiences that I was involved in. That’s why I have chosen to value experiences over material items, for the most part.

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As I mentioned in last week’s Volume, I have ditched caffeine and have continued to do so. Let me tell you: caffeine, just like cocaine (I wouldn’t know, promise), is a helluva drug because I feel like the juice I used to have under the influence of caffeine has practically evaporated now that I’m “sober.” Sure, I sleep so much better, which is more of a game-changer than lip fillers and botox for snobby Dallas chicas, and am infinitely more focused and calm during the workday. The downsides: I go to bed earlier than folks in a nursing home and feel like Mr. Incredible during his desk job. This is turning into a journal entry that only my eyes would read. When is it going to get funny? THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, CAFFEINE MADE ME FUNNY.

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Loyalty is a great attribute to have in all walks of life, but it can come back to bite you in the ass worse than a chomp from a psycho dog whose owner says, “he/she is just having a tough time adjusting.” Adjusting from what? A dog-fighting ring? Anywho, loyalty has come back to bite two coaches square in the buttocks as of late: Green Bay Packers head coach Matt LaFleur and USC Trojans head coach Lincoln Riley.

LaFleur decided to bring back Joe Barry, despite the fact that the defense pissed and shit the bed like a newborn for the better part of the 2022 season and despite the fact that Barry was never a successful coordinator at any of his previous spots (Washington + Detroit, a team that went 0-16). Maybe the defense is not as good as advertised because of the personnel, but it should be a whole lot better than what it is. Ultimately, the blame falls squarely on LaFleur’s shoulders.

As to Riley, he has a Maserati but fails to get it serviced. His offenses, year in and year out, consistently put up gaudy numbers, but his defenses have been worse than dealing with the DMV. He has had Alex Grinch as defensive coordinator since he was HC at Oklahoma. The defense was bad then, and it’s bad now. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, makes you a [FILL IN THE BLANK].

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The University of Wisconsin is a women’s hockey and women’s volleyball school now because we care about, and strive for, equality. Other schools would be wise to follow suit.

On a related note, I tweeted on Feb. 11, presumably after the UW men’s basketball team set the game of basketball back fifty years ago, that “The Badger football season can’t start soon enough.”

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Some people go crazy for Dunkin’ Donuts, Starbucks, Lululemon, or other popular brands. Like, they swear by them and would never dare get anything else in the same category from a different vendor. That is me with Kwik Trip, a gotdamn gas station cosplaying as the pearly gates of heaven. I love everything about that place and miss it dearly while living in Texas.

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I always gave the old geezers a hard time when they would refer to Miller Park as County Stadium. The circle of life arrived a bit earlier than expected because I subscribe to #MillerParkForever, even though the Brewers’ home park was renamed to American Family Field almost three years ago. It simply does not feel right to call a stadium — where a team named after BEER plays — anything besides something that signals BEER. Suffice it to say, an insurance company ain’t it.

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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times — I would get mauled by a grizzly bear for Bobby Portis.

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Talking on speaker phone in public should be a Class-A misdemeanor.

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I think some people get confused with the Best of All Time and the Greatest of All Time. For example, Tom Brady is the Greatest of All Time in his sport. The Best of All Time at the quarterback position? It might just be Dan Marino. Buddy boy was a friggin’ wizard with the football, long before the league conspired to protect the quarterback at all costs and long before offenses evolved to the extent they have. For example, he passed for 5,084 yards and 48 TDs in 1984, earning MVP honors in the process. A quarterback did not pass for more yardage until Drew Brees did so in 2008! Not to mention, his 48 passing TDs was an NFL record until 2004, literally 20 years later.

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Easter candy, ranked:

1. Reese’s PB eggs

2. Starburst jellybeans 3. Canterbury eggs

. . .

989. Peeps

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If you don’t think March Madness is the best tournament in the world, you have a big dump in your pants.

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I would rather wake up hungover than wake up full/stuffed.

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I've slowly transitioned from saying "you guys" to saying "y'all." But, "ope, excuse me - I'm gonna sneak right past ya" will never leave my vocabulary.

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If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz

1. This is a joke. I will act calm if Messi opts to not play and will not engage in any sort of violent behavior.