🏎️ Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 99
Florida street racer; Guy fakes heart attacks; Sports; Going into the office
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Here is a story that I heard last week: There is a gentleman by the name of Benji, a fine name to be called when you’re a kiddo but brings up some red flags when you introduce yourself by that name as an adult. It kinda screams Bob-Marley-loving-deadbeat who has long hair.
He gave a cake to a female — let’s call her Eliza because that name just seems to fit — that read that Eliza had chlamydia, otherwise known as the clap. Surprise! I’m not up to date on my STDs, for good reason, but rumor has it that the clap ain’t good. Well, Eliza is still with Benji to this day. They’re obviously working through some issues, but I’m sure they love each other very much in the most screwed-up way.
Don’t be like Benji — or like Eliza.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Florida street racer driving 80 mph goes airborne, lands in canal in caught-on-camera crash
What’s the perfect way to show everyone you have small-dick energy? Street racing! In a Dodge Challenger!
You always gotta read the room to ensure you don’t come off as a dumb-dumb; Dodge Challenger buddy boy did not read the room because who agrees to street race a Mercedes? I am admittedly not a car guy, but in a blind resume test, a Mercedes is an easy winner.
So, to recap: the guy lost in the street race, his car is cooked, his insurance premiums are set to go through the roof, and he presumably got turned down for an opportunity to appear in the Fast and Furious because he couldn’t hang with the big boys!
The good news is that he’s alive, so I hope he uses this as a wake-up call to ditch the Dodge Challenger and wife-beaters, and instead, buys Hanes undershirts and a Toyota Camry or Corolla.
🛁🛁 EXTRA EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁🛁
Man arrested for faking heart attack 20 times at restaurants to avoid paying bill, reports say
I love the dedication. I truly do. The exquisite acting, the commitment to the bit (e.g., being fat and not doing anything about it), the creativity to go to different restaurants, and being a freeloader. But 20 times is a lot. It’s actually too much. The Spanish version of Elmer Fudd f—cked around and found out that you can fake a heart attack 19 times and come away unscathed, but No. 20 will get you put behind bars.
Now, I don’t know how things go down in Spain, but the narc who set the jail wheels in motion could have handled it a little bit differently.
He could have put the check on Fudd’s stomach and said something along the lines of, “Se te acabó el tiempo, gordito. Paga.”1 And then walked away. Instead, he got on el teléfono and called el policía.
If I was Fudd, I wouldn’t go back to that establishment. Gotta draw a line in the sand at some point. If you don’t stand for anything, you will fall for anything.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFB WEEK 8 RECAP
OHIO STATE 20 Penn State 12: The analysis is pretty simple — the Buckeyes had WR Marvin Harrison, Jr., and the Nittany Lions did not. Plus, Penn State seemingly did not trust its five-star quarterback (18-of-42, 191 yards) to throw the ball downfield. Ohio State’s defense is one of the best units in the country, don’t get me wrong, but throwing short passes was not moving the needle at all. Take off the training wheels and see what you got.
Back to Maserati Marvin (a nickname that Gus Johnson would not let die throughout the broadcast). He is the best player in college football. The Heisman Trophy, similar to the NFL MVP award, has morphed into a quarterback award, making it likely that Washington QB Michael Penix (or another QB) will claim the illustrious trophy at season’s end. Still, Harrison should firmly be in the same conversation as Penix.
The son of the Pro Football Hall of Famer finished Saturday’s top-10 showdown against a tough secondary, which includes likely first-round pick CB Kalen King, with 11 receptions for 162 yards and one score, corralling some circus catches in the process.
Harrison is going to pull the Badgers’ secondary’s pants down on Saturday night, point, and laugh.
ASTROS SIGN-STEALING/SPYGATE 2.0?
I’ll cover this one in a separate post, set to publish at some point this week.
NFL WEEK 7 RECAP
BRONCOS 19 Packers 17: As always, you can read my takeaways here. Let’s rip the band-aid off and just call it what it is: the Packers suck and are one of the worst teams in the league. It would not surprise me if GM Brian Gutekunst read “How to Build an NFL Roster For Dummies,” which happened to be a picture book, thinking that he was going to crack the code. He didn’t crack any code; the only crack involved was the drug.
BROWNS 39 Colts 38: Eight lead changes! Who cares, though. Here is what I’m interested in knowing: How did the Cleveland Browns deliver money to the refs? Cold-hard cash? Venmo? PayPal? The Browns benefitted from a highly questionable pass interference call in the end zone, paving the way for them to score on a game-winning rushing touchdown as the clock expired. Cleveland, for the second straight week, played with a backup quarterback because Deshaun Watson continues to go into a downward spiral. Some might call that karma.
Despite that, the chief reason why the Browns were even able to benefit from that pass interference call was the play of defensive end/athletic freak Myles Garrett. He totaled nine tackles, two sacks, two forced fumbles (including one in the end zone that led to a touchdown), and a blocked field goal. He is a different specimen than both you and me.
VIKINGS 22 49ers 17: All that talk about QB Kirk Cousins turtling in primetime turned out to not be true, at least for a night. The future youth pastor was slingin’ it as he was 35-of-45 for 378 yards and two touchdowns, even with an interception on the opening drive. His QB counterpart, Brock Purdy, meanwhile, was slingin’ it to the other team when he shouldn’t have been, throwing an interception on each of the last two drives when a touchdown would have given the 49ers a lead. Bone-headed mistakes for the guy who looks like he is one year removed from getting his driver’s license.
WORLD SERIES IS SET
The Texas Rangers, a team in my backyard, banged the trash cans and tossed the Houston Astros around like a ragdoll in Game 7 on the road, 11-4, to clinch their first appearance in the World Series since 2011. They have never won the Fall Classic.
Bruce Bochy, pulled out of the old folk’s home to manage the Rangers and waddle around as if he has had both hips replaced, improved to 6-0 in winner-take-all games. His six victories are the most in MLB history. Adolis Garcia had 15 RBIs in the series, a record, en route to ALCS MVP honors.
The Philadelphia Phillies never played in a Game 7 in the history of their franchise until Tuesday night. They are now 0-1. The Arizona Diamondbacks, who came back from an 0-2 deficit in the series and a 1-2 deficit in Game 7, will make their way back to the World Series for the first time since 2001.
MLB executives are shaking in their boots at the Rangers-Diamondbacks matchup.
Game 1 is Friday night in Arlington, Texas.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Want to Beat Your Return-to-Office Mandate? Try ‘Coffee Badging’ at Your Own Risk
I can walk to my office with my two short legs in around 15 minutes, but I only go in once or twice a week because can I take a comfortable nap in my bed while I am in the office? Negative, ghost rider. Even when I do go into the office, I occasionally engage in “coffee badging,” meaning I show my face for a bit and then leave like a dad who says he’s going to get milk, only to never return.2
However, I should rethink that strategy based on Keith Dracula’s words of wisdom.
“It’s highly likely that you’re headed for a mediocre career,” warns Keith Styrcula, founder and chief executive of Glasstower Digital, a financial technology firm in Greenwich, Conn. “Face time and playing the political games are sometimes as important as merit. That’s just the way American corporate culture works.”
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Google translate: Your time is up, fatso. Pay up.
Only to never return that day, for me. I do go back to work because I am not a loser.