🏢 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 124
Snake to a gun fight; NFL Draft + NBA Playoffs Recap; WeWork
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
One (1) laugh a day keeps the doctor away.
I’ve been sick for the past week+, which has made my brain mush in the process, so cut me some slack please. This is 32.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Man tried to rob store with 5-foot snake, police say
Just wondering aloud here: is a five-foot snake the Gen-Z version of a gun? A deadly creature > deadly weapon? I’m not too hip on that generation’s trends, so I believe questions need to be asked.
But I am hip on this: in classic Gen-Z fashion, the wannabe robber did not have a sound plan. (I’m not advocating for a sound plan when robbing a gas station.) He went to the gas station to buy something and then left. He returned 30 minutes later and demanded that the cash register be opened. The attendant didn’t bat an eye, so the man left again, only to return roughly 30 minutes later with a snake around his neck and a backpack on his back. He shouted, “‘Give me the [expletive] money,’ while reaching inside the backpack.” The attendant pulled out his own handgun, forcing the man to scurry away like a little mouse.
Inside the backpack? A railroad spike and rock. He literally brought a rock (and a snake and a railroad spike) to a gunfight.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NFL DRAFT
The NFL Draft took place over the weekend. Some dudes made life-changing money, but every single player drafted saw his childhood dream become a reality.
Every year the draft brings optimism to fans that their respective teams nailed the draft while their rivals shit the bed. In reality, none of us know anything (respectfully), and the paid professionals are, more or less, placing educated guesses on the prospects of young men in their 20s.
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Quarterback is the most important position in all of sports, so it was not a surprise to see a run on quarterbacks to kick off the first round, but the sheer number of gunslingers selected stood out. Six quarterbacks were taken in the first 12 picks, which was the fewest overall picks for the first six quarterbacks to be selected in NFL history. (The seventh quarterback, Spencer Rattler, was not selected until the fifth round.) One of the GMs who took one of those six QBs will lose his job at some point. Simple fact. And that GM might very well be Terry Fontenot of the Atlanta Falcons.
The Falcons recently gave QB Kirk Cousins a lucrative multi-year deal in free agency, which included $100 million guaranteed. Functionally, it is a two-year deal. Sitting at No. 8, one would think the team brass would want to surround Cousins with more talent. Wrong! Fontenot proceeded to use the 8th overall selection on QB Michael Penix. The strategy makes sense because the best time to draft a quarterback is when you don’t need one. Look at the long-term success of the Green Bay Packers for how well that strategy has worked. But Penix has suffered four season-ending injuries, will be 24 on May 8, and moves as well as I do outside of the pocket (read: not great). Plus, they JUST gave Cousins that big deal; it’s not like he was one year removed from it and, therefore, is one year away from potentially being on the chopping block. In sum, good strategy, awful execution. Or maybe it was good strategy, good execution. We shall see.
NBA PLAYOFFS
The star-studded Phoenix Suns were the first team eliminated from the 2024 NBA Playoffs, courtesy of the Minnesota Timberwolves. And the Suns’ future prospects are so cooked, that not even Bill Nye the Science Guy can save them. Bradley Beal has a full no-trade clause and has two years left on his deal worth ~$104 million, with a player option worth $57 million in the third year; the team will be in the second apron of the luxury tax, which leaves them severely hamstrung in acquiring players via trade and free agency; and their draft cupboard is practically non-existent. They still own their first-round pick in 2024, but they do not own their first-round pick outright for the rest of the decade. Oh, I almost forgot: the actual play on the court.
The Suns were minus-51 when Booker, Durant and Beal shared the floor in this series, according to ESPN Stats & Information. That is the worst plus-minus for any trio this postseason.
The Oklahoma City Thunder swept the New Orleans Pelicans and even before the Game 4 victory, Charles Barkley hilariously eviscerated the Pelicans.
“We’re not even gonna send them to Cancun, we’re gonna send them to Galveston. Y’all quit — drive your (explicit) down to Galveston. We’re not giving them no plane tickets to the beach. We’re sending their (explicit) to Galveston, Texas, right where that dirty (explicit) water washed up on the beach, they can’t even get in the water.”
So while the Pelicans will be headed to Galveston, LeBum James and his teammates will soon be on a plane to Cancun after losing the series to the defending champs. Denver Nuggets guard Jamal Murray hit two-game winning shots in the series, including in last night’s series-clinching victory.
The New York Knicks are up 3-1 after a gritty 97-92 victory over the Philadelphia 76ers in Game 4, thanks to 47 points from Jalen Brunson, a franchise playoff record. Joel Embiid, who is hurt, fat, and slow, chipped in one point during the fourth quarter of the Game 4 loss.
The Milwaukee Bucks are on the cusp of getting taken to the slaughterhouse by the Indiana Pacers, down three games to one. Damian Lillard and Giannis are doubtful for Game 5. Not ideal! I hope Pacers guard Tyrese Haliburton steps on an endless amount of Legos with his bare feet. PUNK-ASS [EXPLETIVE].
The Los Angeles Clippers were up 31 points in the first half of Game 4 against the Dallas Mavericks but saw their lead dwindle rapidly in the second half thanks to some clutch buckets by Kyrie Irving (40 points) and Luka Doncic (a 29-point triple-double). However, James Harden hit floater after floater late in the fourth quarter (15 points in the final period, 33 for the game) as if he were making it rain at a gentlemen’s club, and Playoff P (Paul George) hit a huge fallway three late to clinch the 116-111 dub and even the series.
JONTAY PORTER BANNED FROM NBA
I covered Jontay Porter’s gambling saga in Volume 120, writing “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. And one of those prizes is banishment from the National Basketball Association in all likelihood.”
Well, he played stupid games and lost everything in the process. Like splitting 10s at the casino and thinking you’re hot shit. No, dude, you’re just dumb. The NBA recently announced that Porter, who was with the Raptors on a two-way deal, has been banned from the league.
An associate of Porter placed $80k on a Porter-related prop bet, to win $1.1 million, after Porter “disclosed confidential information about his own health status.” Porter also placed 13 bets of his own through an associate’s betting account, resulting in net winnings of roughly $22k.
Jontay Porter, a dumb dumb.
NHL PLAYOFFS
Yes, the hockey playoffs are going on, too, but I haven’t watched a lick, so I can’t recap what I haven’t seen. I’ll try and change that going forward!
REGGIE BUSH HEISMAN RETURNED
All is right in the college football world.
Reggie Bush won the 2005 Heisman Trophy after putting up video game numbers — 2,890 all-purpose yards (1,740 rush yards, 478 receiving yards, and 672 return yards) and 19 total touchdowns — but Bush forfeited the trophy in 2010 after the NCAA found he received impermissible benefits from 2003 to 2005, resulting in significant sanctions for USC.
Last week, the Heisman Trust and the entity’s old-ass white guys pulled their heads from their rears and returned the 2005 Heisman to its rightful owner due to “‘fundamental changes in college athletics’ in which rules that have allowed ‘student athlete compensation’ to become ‘an accepted practice and appears here to stay.’”
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
WeWork Cuts New Restructuring Deal That Spurns Adam Neumann
I recently finished a book about WeWork (not to brag), and the company, an office-sharing leasing company, was so silly with its finances that they lost over $1 billion in Q3 of 2019. They tried to go public in 2019, but that failed in spectacular fashion and ultimately led to the ouster of the company’s co-founder, Adam Neumann.1 The company, without a doubt in my mind, mimicked (eh, actually was) a cult under Neumann’s leadership, and yet the company reached a peak valuation of $47 billion. The company, though, came crashing down like a deck of cards after one too many tequila shots by the handler.
WeWork filed for Ch. 11 bankruptcy protection in November — COVID put ‘em in a bind, to say the least — and Neumann recently tried to buy the company out of the bankruptcy for a reported figure of more than $500 million. But it appears he will be stiffed unless he garners “support from senior lenders.”
Those senior lenders have tentatively agreed to provide WeWork with roughly $450 million “in exchange for equity in the reorganized business. SoftBank and other owners of the company’s existing letters of credit could also swap their debt holdings for stock after exiting Chapter 11. … WeWork would be majority owned by Yardi, a provider of software for commercial and residential property owners, according to lawyers and a company statement issued after Monday’s hearing.”
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Neumann couldn’t exactly cry poor after being kicked to the curb. He reportedly received $445 million in cash and stock from SoftBank, the company’s biggest financial backer.