🐒 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 147
Monkeys escaped; Tubz Throwback; CFB + NFL Recap; Bath Time Pondering
Happy Wednesday, y’all!
I so desperately want to be on a plane when a wackadoodle goes haywire. Not only for the purposes of Tubz content, but also, and even more so, for the adrenaline rush. Akin to attending a Jerry Springer showing.
Programming Note: I will be away next weekend, slugging beers and freezing my backside off in Burlington, Vermont, so Volume 148 will go live the week of the Nov. 25.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
25 monkeys caught but more still missing after escape from research facility in SC
This sounds like the makings of another Planet of the Apes movie. 43 monkeys were unintentionally released into the American wilderness and headed straight for the trees after a worker forget to lock the doors after a feeding. The anxiety that person must have felt would be enough to say, “Screw it, I’m quitting my job, backpacking throughout Europe and trying some hard (not to be confused with soft) peyote.”
This is not the first time monkeys have escaped from Alpha Genesis Primate Research Center in Yemassee, South Carolina. I think they have to rename it the Beta Genesis Primate Research Center, amirite?
More monkey content below!
📅 TUBZ THROWBACK 📅
New section alert! This won’t be an every week occurrence but rather a whenever-I-feel-like-it occurrence. Herein, I will highlight some tidbits (in italics) from previous Volumes. It is meant to be a trip down memory lane for the OG subscribers while showcasing for the new(er) subscribers what Tubz Unfiltered has been from the start.
First up — Volume 10, published on Nov. 8, 2021.
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Viral Video of the Week used to be a staple of Tubz Unfiltered until Substack made it impossible to embed Twitter posts/videos. Sad stuff.
Do you know what the best way is to avoid something like this? Don’t freaking go skydiving. The only time I will go skydiving is when I’m 95 years old and hyped up on a bunch of hard drugs.
Despite almost getting smoked by the plane — cue Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” in that event — these yahoos somehow managed to recover and were able to get in formation to lock hands like they’re playing Red Rover. “Red Rover, Red Rover, I call the plane over.”
Nevertheless, if I was going to crap my pants, I would prefer to do so in the comfort of my own home, not at 16,000 feet.
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EXTRA BUBBLES: MONKEY BELONGING TO TEXAS SPECIAL TEAMS COACH’S STRIPPER GIRLFRIEND BITES CHILD ON HALLOWEEN
This headline and accompanying article were not written by the Onion, Babylon Bee, or any satirical website. Nope, this is a real-life story.
First things first: I’m not going to poke fun at this Texas coach for dating a stripper because (1) I don’t have a girlfriend, so it’s a bit hypocritical of me to judge who he is dating; and (2) she was on the Jerry Springer Show and showed off her [redacted because I now have a girlfriend and want to show respect]. If Jerry Springer designates her as the G.O.A.T., then she’s the G.O.A.T. I don’t make the rules, I only follow them.
Tubz Unfiltered’s Three Rules for Having a Pet Monkey:
Don’t have one. But if you must, see Rules 2 and 3.
It needs its own prescription of Xanax.
If you’re parading that thing around during Halloween, your house has to give out king-sized candy bars.
SPORTZ:
Jordan Love’s first start, a loss to the Kansas City Chiefs after then-QB Aaron Rodgers was ruled out due to a positive COVID test.
Chiefs 13 Packers 7: Let’s start off with the positive. The defense, led by Krys Barnes (9 total tackles), played exceptionally well. I don’t know what I was more surprised by — the defense playing as well as they did or Aaron Rodgers quoting MLK while discussing why he’s against the Covid vaccine. Now the bad: Jordan Love. The Chiefs blitzed Love like none other on third down, which made him look as skittish as a dog that craps on the white carpet and gets caught by his/her owner. Even worse than Love was the Packers’ special teams unit. Holy hell on earth, unless they turn it around they will be the reason that the Packers don’t win the Super Bowl.
Fast forward to the Divisional Round. The Packers had a blocked punt returned for a touchdown and only had 10 players on the field during the game-winning field goal in a 13-10 loss to the San Francisco 49ers at Lambeau Field. Huh.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFB WEEK 11 RECAP/CFP RANKINGS
I didn’t watch any CFB games this weekend — whoopsies! — so I’m going to focus on the CFP rankings.
Parity is alive and well in college football. Ole Miss, who dropped a home contest to lowly Kentucky earlier in the season, has entered the CFP race after steamrolling Georgia in Oxford, 28-10. Can the Rebels hang on? Their two remaining games are against Florida (road) and Mississippi State (home).
I think the CFP Committee is making things up as they go. Georgia being on the outside looking in doesn’t matter all that much now — beat Tennessee this weekend and the Bulldogs are likely in (still, though, they have two ranked victories) — but Indiana and BYU leapfrogging Tennessee and the explanation of it by Selection Committee Chair, Warde Manuel, the Michigan AD, has me a wee bit discombobulated at the present moment.
It really came down to the play last week of both Indiana and BYU, both winning big games on their schedule. Tennessee, the offense has struggled some the second half of the season, not being consistent early in the year, and we just felt as a committee that at this time Indiana has been playing very well, a close win against Michigan, but other than that, they've dominated everyone they've played.
I really don’t think the ACC (Pony Up!) or the Big 12 are going to get more than one team in the CFP. As such, this year’s CFP is shaping up to be an SEC/Big Ten Showcase Tournament.
And on that note, Indiana (No. 5 in the rankings but No. 7 in the bracket) hosting Alabama would be banana land. Like a lit crack house — on steroids (meant respectfully). However, I am keeping my eye on the Hoosiers. Their story is one for the ages, but if Tennessee loses to Georgia this weekend, bringing the Volunteers to two losses, and Indiana loses to Ohio State, who does the Committee choose? Ole Miss, Tennessee, or Indiana? Is Alabama, with two losses, firmly in the field? There is still a lot to shake out in the SEC (see below), but something to think about while you’re sipping on a caffeinated beverage eagerly awaiting the upcoming weekend. On vibes alone, I need Indiana in the CFP.
Do you know who is no longer in the thick of the CFP race (unless they miraculously win the SEC)? The LSU Tigers. They got taken out back and shot like a horse by Alabama in Baton Rouge by a score of 42 to 13. Back-to-back disappointing seasons for the second-year HC, Brian Kelly. Couldn’t happen to a worse human being.
If Georgia beats Tennessee and Texas beats Texas A&M, the Longhorns will finish in sole possession of first place in the SEC as the only 7-1 team on the board. It'll be an easy ticket punched to Atlanta to play for an SEC title.
From there, things quickly become a mess. Assuming no other upsets, six teams would be tied for No. 2 in the SEC standings with a 6-2 record: Texas A&M, Georgia, Alabama, Ole Miss, LSU and Missouri. From there, it's on to the SEC tiebreaker scenarios:
Head-to-head competition among the tied teams: Most of these teams haven't played each other. Next.
Record vs. common conference opponents: There aren't common opponents between six teams.
Record against the high-place opponent among the tied teams: There aren't enough common opponents to use this.
Cumulative conference winning percentage of all conference opponents: Essentially which teams have the top conference strength of schedule?
Since the tiebreaker would almost certainly come down to the final strength of schedule, it's impossible to know which team is even in the driver's seat right now. Assuming the nightmare tiebreaker scenario plays out, Alabama would appear to have the narrow edge in strength of schedule. Georgia would play the most top teams, but its schedule will be pulled down by Kentucky, Auburn, and Mississippi State.
Even though I believe the Big 12 will be one-bid league, the conference title race is heating up, and Colorado (5-1 in conference play) has the inside track to make the conference title game, just as everyone expected at the start of the season. The Buffs moved to sole possession of second place after they beat Texas Tech in Lubbock and Iowa State (4-2 in conference play) lost to Kansas. In the win, Colorado QB Shedeur Sanders was 30/43 for 291 yards and three touchdowns. That boy nice and will likely force his way to playing for the Raiders next season. Colorado closes the season with Utah (home), Kansas (road), and Oklahoma State (home), all games that Deion Sanders’ squad should/will be favored in.
NFL WEEK 10 RECAP
STEELERS 28 COMMANDERS 27: The fans who thought Pittsburgh was making a grave mistake when the franchise turned to Russell Wilson, and benched Justin Fields, should be evaluated. Wilson threw off his back foot on 3rd and 9 with under 2:30 left and dropped it perfectly into the bread basket of newly-acquired WR Mike Williams for six. While the Steelers improved to 7-2 on the season, the schedule is about to get tougher than a fat person trying to fit between tightly-parked cars. They host the Ravens on Sunday and, from Dec. 15 to Christmas Day, play the Eagles (road), Ravens (road), and Chiefs (home). They also play the pesky Bengals twice. As to the losing team, Washington has yet to beat a team with a record over .500.
CHIEFS 16 BRONCOS 14: Denver was *that* close to pulling off the upset at Arrowhead Stadium, but Kansas City exerted their devil voodoo magic as they blocked a 35-yard FG as time expired to remain undefeated. (Pat McAfee went deep on how the Chiefs exploited a weak link on the Broncos’ line.) Newsflash: Patrick Mahomes has a stranglehold on the AFC West. With the win, he improved to 32-5 against AFC West opponents, including 13-1 against the Broncos, since entering the league in 2017. TE Travis Kelce scored his 76th career receiving TD in the victory, tying Tony Gonzalez for the most in team history. Kelce achieved the feat in 168 games, while Gonzalez hit that mark in 190 games.
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz