🍹 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 89
Murder-for-hire plot; Over/under win totals for each NFC team; Maui fires
Happy Monday, y’all!
It would be sweet to dunk a regular-sized basketball on a regulation-sized hoop. I’m not talking about what Vince Carter did in the 2000 Summer Olympics when he violated Frédéric Weis — I don’t live in candy land.
No, I’m talking about playing some hoops with the boyz (and/or ladies, if they’re down; I’m a 19th Amendment supporter after all), you get a running stop, “I Believe I Can Fly” is playing in your head, and all of a sudden, BAM, you elevate enough to (gently, probably) slam it home. The adrenaline rush in the moments after, second to none.
Okie dokie, let’s break bread.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Lindsay Shiver breaks silence after release from Bahamas jail over murder-for-hire plot on husband
Woo buddy, quite a story we got here. If you’re a true crime fanatic, you’re in luck!
Lindsay Shiver, a former Auburn cheerleader, plotted to kill her soon-to-be ex-husband, Robert Shiver, a former long snapper at Auburn, with the help of her boyfriend in the Bahamas and a hitman.
Why would she do such a thing? One guess is because Bobby Boy filed for divorce in April after he allegedly uncovered “adulterous conduct,” according to the New York Post, and sought sole custody of the couple’s three kiddies — all under the age of 12 — as well as sole use of the couple’s $2.5 million mansion in Georgia. One too many pina coladas in the Bahamas got her acting up sexually, I would presume. Hate to see it.
The police found out about the despicable plot by accident, believe it or not. The Bahamian police were searching the boyfriend’s phone in connection with a burglary at a Bahamas bar he worked at and then discovered the plot via WhatsApp.
Authorities arrested the suspects on July 21. Bobby Boy “did not object to her getting bail and being released from prison under certain conditions in the Bahamas” earlier this month. At least he did not provide any money toward her $100,000 bail, or else he would have been Chief Simp without a doubt.
Lindsay was behind bars for three weeks, without any mai tais. Late last week, Lindsay spoke to the Post as she remains in the Bahamas and said, “it’s been really tough.” Color me shocked. To add salt to the wound, she has had car issues. “I have to deal with that now on top of everything else.” What a wild, preposterous thing to say aloud. She read the room the same way that Hellen Keller did (RIP). Anyway … I don’t know whether the situation classifies as first-world problems or trailer-park/psycho problems for Lindsay, but the situation presents problems for her nevertheless!
Lindsay is, sadly, off the reservation, both literally and figuratively.
🛁 EXTRA EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
The female, Tiffany Gomas, that went on an epic tirade on an American Airlines flight (“that motherf—er back there is not real”), turning into a viral sensation in the process, is back on the reservation (??) and has spoken publicly for the first time since the incident. Bunch of bonks in the comments, ngl.
You can watch the video here.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
We are a bit starved for sports content here in mid-August — except that the Brewers could bolt Milwaukee at the end of the decade — so as I did last year in Volumes 44 and 45, I’m going to predict over or under for the win totals for every NFC team, with some commentary sprinkled in. (I’ll tackle the AFC next week.)
But before we get to that, let’s see how well I did at predicting the 2022 records for every single NFC team. 🥁🥁🥁: absolutely, positively no f’en bueno: 5-11. I will not make fun of myself because I am working on being less self-depreciative, so I will simply write that I have a lot of room for improvement.
Truth be told, though, I will not learn from last season and continue to shoot from the hip with my predictions. The math also might not exactly line up, so please email your complaints to takealap@gmail.com.
Over/under win totals are via FanDuel as of Sunday.
— — —
Arizona Cardinals (over/under 4.5 wins)
This team stinks more than a baby’s dirty diaper. They released wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins, leaving them with Marquise “Hollywood” Brown and Rondale Moore — the short kings — as WR1 and WR2, respectively. It also is unknown when quarterback Kyler Murray, who is the definition of “mid” in his own right, will return from his torn ACL.
The team’s defense has one playmaker, safety Budda Baker, and their first-year head coach is Michael Scott 2.0. Cook all three of those ingredients up and you get a team bound for the first overall selection.
Prediction: Under 4.5 wins
Los Angeles Rams (over/under 6.5 wins)
If wide receiver Cooper Kupp and quarterback Matthew Stafford stay healthy, the offense could be decent, although WR2 is a question mark.
Defensively, besides Aaron Donald, there are a bunch of no-name losers (respectfully, of course). I would not be surprised if the team trades Donald at the trade deadline. Luckily, the team finally has its own first-round pick in next year’s draft.
Prediction: Under 6.5 wins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (over/under 6.5 wins)
Their quarterback situation is messier than kids with crayons in front of a white wall.* They have single-game matchups with the NFC East and NFC West, so because they finished in first last year, they play the Eagles and 49ers. However, they have cross-matchups with the NFC North and AFC South, two divisions that don’t inspire a lot of confidence, and the rest of the roster is talented.
Prediction: Over 6.5 wins
*This is my second unintentional reference to kids. Let the record reflect that I do not have baby fever whatsoever because I like the financial spot I’m in right now. Having a kiddo out of wedlock would also be a tough look.
Washington Commanders (over/under 6.5 wins)
Second-year gunslinger Sam Howell is now the starter, but is he actually that much better than Carson Wentz and/or Taylor Heinicke, the team’s starters last year? I guess we’ll find out, but that less-than-ideal duo led them to eight wins last season, thanks to a strong defense.
Prediction: Over 6.5 wins
Green Bay Packers (over/under 7.5 wins)
Don’t overreact after one preseason game. Don’t overreact after one preseason game. Don’t overreact after one preseason game. Jordan Love will be more than good enough this season, rookie tight end Luke Musgrave has future stud written all over him, wide receiver Jayden Reed will be a solid WR3 this season, and the Packers will finish the year with one of the best secondaries in the league.
It might turn out that I’m delusional, but do you know who else turned out to be (clinically) delusional? Sir Isaac Newton. Pretty good company, if you ask me.
Prediction: Over 7.5 wins
Chicago Bears (over/under 7.5 wins)
Is Justin Fields still the starting quarterback up there in the Shitty Windy City? He is? OK. You might find it interesting, then, that the Ohio State product finished 2022 with a passing success rate of 38.7%, which ranked 360th out of the 384 qualified quarterback seasons (minimum of 300 pass attempts) since 2012, according to TruMedia (h/t Nate Tice).
That man is a running back until proven otherwise. Save your “BuT tHeY gOt Dj mOoRe” comments for the back of the Sunday paper.
Prediction: Under 7.5 wins
New York Giants (over/under 7.5 wins)
The Giants smashed expectations last season en route to nine regular-season wins and a playoff dub for the first time since they won the 2011 playoffs, the year they won the Super Bowl. So, will the team continue to ascend or will they regress to the mean?
Prediction: No idea
Carolina Panthers (over/under 7.5 wins)
There’s a new era in Charlotte, North Carolina, as Frank Reich takes over at the helm and the 2023 first overall pick Bryce Young assumes the QB1 role. Young has looked like a Make-A-Wish kid when standing next to his offensive line, but he was electric at Alabama and has the skills to succeed at the professional level.
However, his size — reportedly 5’10”, 204 pounds — is a real concern. Another real concern? The lack of productive wide receivers. Adam Thielen has lost a few steps, and the rest of that room is meh.
Prediction: Under 7.5 wins
Atlanta Falcons (over/under 8.5 wins)
Atlanta spent a lot of money in the offseason on the defensive side of the ball and drafted running back and all-around playmaker Bijan Robinson with its first-round selection in this year’s draft. But quarterback Desmond Ridder does not inspire a lick of confidence.
Prediction: Under 8.5 wins
Minnesota Vikings (over/under 8.5 wins)
They have a new defensive coordinator in Brian Flores, but they didn’t exactly upgrade any of the defensive personnel on the field after being complete and utter trash in 2022.
The offense will have to put the team on their back yet again; they finished 20th in Offense DVOA last season but finished 6th in yards/game. Mind you, they still won 13 games. Rookie wide receiver Jordan Addison should be able to easily replace the loss of Thielen, and Captain Kirk in a contract year is something to keep an eye out for.
Prediction: Over 8.5 wins
Seattle Seahawks (over/under 8.5 wins)
QB Geno Smith miraculously led all NFL starters in completion percentage and was sixth in passer rating, both of which were deciding factors in earning him Comeback Player of the Year. The organization added wide receiver Jaxon Smith-Njigba, running back Zach Charbonnet, and cornerback Devon Witherspoon via the draft, three players that should make an impact in 2023.
Prediction: Over 8.5 wins
Detroit Lions (over/under 9.5 wins)
I’m not buying the hype. That defense is as bad as seeing the Confederate flag waving on the back of some sh*tty truck.
Prediction: Under 9.5 wins
Dallas Cowboys (over/under 9.5 wins)
There’s a viral voiceover on TikTok that poses the following question: “Smash or pass?” I will be smashing the Cowboys this year because the defense could be the best in the league. I am hoping and praying that Dak Prescott has removed his head from his ass after tossing 15 interceptions in 2022.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
New Orleans Saints (over/under 9.5 wins)
The Saints massively upgraded at quarterback, turning the keys over to Derek Carr, and if wide receiver Michael Thomas can stay healthy (a massive IF), he’ll form a dynamic receiving duo with Chris Olave. The schedule is also a cakewalk as it features only four playoff teams from a season ago.
The only drawback is that I think Dennis Allen eats and drinks with a bib wrapped around his neck (read: he’s an idiotic head coach). Maybe he’ll figure it out.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
San Francisco 49ers (over/under 10.5 wins)
A stout defense. The best running back in the game. Three top-tier receiving options in Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, and George Kittle. The best left tackle in the league.
The question mark, yet again, is quarterback. Will it be last year’s late-year sensation Brock Purdy, retread Sam Darnold, or the red-headed stepchild Trey Lance under center for the majority of the season?
They have won at least 10 games in three out of the last four seasons, so it’s hard to not have full faith in head coach Kyle Shanahan rallying the troops despite a question mark at QB.
Prediction: Over 10.5 wins
Philadelphia Eagles (over/under 11.5 wins)
They have the best roster, top to bottom, in football.
Prediction: Over 11.5 wins
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Wall Street Journal: Hawaii Officials Were Warned Years Ago That Maui’s Lahaina Faced High Wildfire Risk
No jokes for this section this week. A very sad and scary situation in Maui, as wildfires have devastated the town of Lahaina and claimed 93 lives as of Sunday morning, making it the deadliest wildfire in the history of our country.
The winds, at one point, reached 60 miles an hour, “driving the blaze into Lahaina faster than emergency responders and residents could keep up.”
The fire caused cell service, power, and water to shut down, leading to many residents not receiving emergency alerts from the local government.
Moreover, it appears that the emergency sirens never sounded, according to state records obtained by the Associated Press. Maui County is home to 80 emergency sirens, per WSJ.
Some residents and tourists abandoned their gridlocked cars on foot, while others rammed vehicles through gates, fled by boat, or waited out the fire in the ocean, witnesses said.
“It was so damn fast, by the time I realized, it was like a rainstorm of red sparks going sideways,” said Jo Ann Hayashi, who spent hours wading in the water of Lahaina Harbor to escape the flames.
Based on reporting by the Journal, a 2014 wildfire-protection plan authored by the Hawaii Wildfire Management Organization “warned that Lahaina was among Maui’s most fire-prone areas because of its proximity to parched grasslands, steep terrain and frequent winds.”
The government implemented some of the recommendations contained in the plan, but did not take action on all, including “ramping up emergency-response capacity” due to a “lack of funding, logistical hurdles in rugged terrain and competing priorities.”
Another report, in 2020, tied fires to winds from a passing hurricane—similar to the ones that fanned the Lahaina blaze.
And the state’s electric utility had for years worried about wildfire risk in the area. It even flew drones to monitor conditions.
…
The researchers in the 2020 hurricane report said the fires tied to Lane ignited in areas dominated by non-native grasses, which are exceptionally flammable and have proliferated in recent years, now covering one-quarter of the state.
…
Documents show Hawaiian Electric submitted a request for funding in 2022 from the public utilities commission to help offset the $189.7 million it said it needed to bolster its power grid across the state, including wildfire-prevention measures. The request is still being processed.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz